I’m so freaking tired that I yelled loudly at my two year old for purposefully banging together two toys right next to Bumblebee’s head after I finally got him down for a nap. Finally, after spending hours in the middle of the night trying to keep him asleep for months. Finally after spending a half an hour trying to get him down for a meager 20 mine nap. Literally 30 seconds after his eyes were finally closed, she stopped her play to come over to do this. I apologized and gave her a hug and a kiss a minute later, I know it doesn’t excuse my outburst and feel crappy about it. I feel pushed close to my stress limit.
I just felt so pissed off because I get no peace. It is supposed be better by now. Not perfect, but better. If anything it feels worse because I have a complete hopelessness that it will improve. Ever. I’m crying writing this, I’m so tired. Those words don’t even begin to describe the mental exhaustion I feel right now. It’s a feeling there constantly, and while I feel this I have to care for two littles’ constant needs. That is hard, because you don’t really get breaks when “Mommy” is your job title.
*I’m not really looking for suggestions on how to get my kid to sleep, thank you for the thought but it will pain me to explain that I’ve already tried it. I only wrote this to get the words out of my mind. I already feel better having putting these thoughts down.